I've been trying to come up with a logical explanation for what I'm feeling. I just want to put it eloquently into words. Then maybe, everything will just fall into place and suddenly I'll be okay.
Yet, I just can't. The truth is that I don't really know what is going on inside of me. Furthermore, I am completely clueless on how to explain it.
At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. At the end of the day I just want to be loved. I just want someone to see me the way that God sees me. And I try telling myself that I am happy, being alone. But it kind of makes you laugh doesn't it? When you lie to yourself, and you can feel it, but still you force yourself to believe it. Well, I'm sorry but being alone doesn't make me happy. And also, I shouldn't apologize for being alone. Being alone isn't my fault...or maybe it is. Maybe this isolation I'm feeling I've actually brought upon myself.
Oh gosh. Now I'm just rambling.
The checklist is still going on. I haven't been succeeding at any of it and I feel sort of hopeless. Yet, I am done with feeling sorry for myself. Even if I accomplish nothing on the checklist, I still want to be able to tell myself and all of you that I tried my hardest.
It's crazy to think that in a year from now, the one year checklist will be over with, and I'll look back on these posts and wonder why the heck I kept moping. I really look forward to that day.
Compliments are funny things. I don't know if I should like them or frankly despise them. I mean, when it all comes down to it, I think people compliment to start a conversation. Or they use it as a way to get over their own fear of the intimidating person they think you are. Truthfully, I guess it's a nice idea: compliments. Yet, when did compliments start becoming this casual joke? "I like your shoes" day after day after day. Yet, I don't want to just be the girl with the cute shoes. I want to be noticed and congratulated for more than just my exterior. This world has turned into a place where outward beauty is absolutely vital to succeed and even to survive. But I hate it. I wish I could just wake up it the morning and walk out the door to school. But I can't. I just can't. Someday, though, I'll have the courage to do just that. To me, in a way, not participating in compliments and curling irons is a way to say "screw you" to the ugly society that we're living in.
Marilyn Monroe one said something to the effect of "You're not ugly. It's society whose ugly."
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
That's Me: The Friendless Friend.
I guess there are always good days and bad days. In the past, my mind set has been simple: Smile and remember it will get better.
Yet, I've been smiling. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. But it isn't getting better.
I feel more alone than ever. I can't hide it anymore. Everybody knows. I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't care what everyone else thinks of me. That's their business, not mine. But I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a friend who I'd never have to wonder about. I'd never have to question their motives or hide who I am. Because now, right now, I'm standing all by myself in a crowded room, not full of strangers...I'm the only stranger. People who I once called my friends tell me now that I've changed. I never thought change was such a bad thing. I guess, the truth of the matter is that when they tell me that I've changed, it just means that I've stopped living my life their way. I'm done being a follower. I'm done being tied down by the "rules" of society. Someday, I'm convinced that I will find someone who is satisfied with me and only me.
My mom told me today that sometimes we go through hard times to learn compassion. Someday, I'll see someone who reminds me of who I was in high school. There will be tears in their eyes as they sit by themselves and contemplate what is the matter with them. I just wish they knew...I wish that I knew...there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. It's the world that's twisted and morphed people's opinions into flawed ideals.
I'm going to help people realize just that...there is nothing wrong with them.
I refuse to be apart of that...for I know for myself what it's like to be looked at like I'm the black sheep. I know how hard it is to not take that to heart. Because it was personal. In high school, it's always personal.
Make a true friend.
That's another item on my checklist. Yet, day after day, I feel as if this goal will be a hard one to accomplish. I'm starting to see the unfriendliness that I once mistook for ignorance. I thought that people just didn't know me. But now I know that they just don't like the person that they think I am.
But the truth? They don't know who I am.
Yet, I've been smiling. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. But it isn't getting better.
I feel more alone than ever. I can't hide it anymore. Everybody knows. I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't care what everyone else thinks of me. That's their business, not mine. But I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a friend who I'd never have to wonder about. I'd never have to question their motives or hide who I am. Because now, right now, I'm standing all by myself in a crowded room, not full of strangers...I'm the only stranger. People who I once called my friends tell me now that I've changed. I never thought change was such a bad thing. I guess, the truth of the matter is that when they tell me that I've changed, it just means that I've stopped living my life their way. I'm done being a follower. I'm done being tied down by the "rules" of society. Someday, I'm convinced that I will find someone who is satisfied with me and only me.
My mom told me today that sometimes we go through hard times to learn compassion. Someday, I'll see someone who reminds me of who I was in high school. There will be tears in their eyes as they sit by themselves and contemplate what is the matter with them. I just wish they knew...I wish that I knew...there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. It's the world that's twisted and morphed people's opinions into flawed ideals.
I'm going to help people realize just that...there is nothing wrong with them.
I refuse to be apart of that...for I know for myself what it's like to be looked at like I'm the black sheep. I know how hard it is to not take that to heart. Because it was personal. In high school, it's always personal.
Make a true friend.
That's another item on my checklist. Yet, day after day, I feel as if this goal will be a hard one to accomplish. I'm starting to see the unfriendliness that I once mistook for ignorance. I thought that people just didn't know me. But now I know that they just don't like the person that they think I am.
But the truth? They don't know who I am.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 5: Keep Smiling: Things Are Going to Get Better.
The world can be an unfriendly place, there's no denying that. Yet, with spring in the air and summer quickly approaching, I can't help but see the beauty of my surroundings.
Have you ever just stopped and closed your eyes and really felt?
Just leave your worries behind for a second and let yourself feel what is around you. So many times we focus on the bad that's going on. We've failed to realize the good.
I've been spending a lot of time outside, marveling at the blooming trees and green grass. After a long winter, it's such a refreshment to hear children laughing and birds squawking. I've realized something that I guess I've already known...but it's come to my attention again as I observe the utter beauties of nature.
God loves us.
He loves us so much that he has put us here, in this wonderful place. He loves us enough to surround us with such beauty.
It's been evident in my life lately that God has not left me alone. He's been there and he's been answering my prayers. I know that he gives us our desires if we seek him and live righteously. Yet, I also know that sometimes he blesses us by not giving us what we want or what we think we need.
It's hard in high school, being alone like I am. I don't have any real friends and I sometimes feel so on my own. Yet, now I know I can rely on the Lord.
Another goal on my checklist: Make the Lord preeminent in my life.
And so far, I've been doing just that. I feel happier than I've ever felt and I know with a surety that everything will work out how it needs to work out.
I just need to learn to accept that sometimes my way isn't the best way.
So, as summer is on it's way, I'll be here, praying for strength and smiling.
Because sometimes that's all you can do...smile and pray and wait for things to get better.
I know that they will.
Have you ever just stopped and closed your eyes and really felt?
Just leave your worries behind for a second and let yourself feel what is around you. So many times we focus on the bad that's going on. We've failed to realize the good.
I've been spending a lot of time outside, marveling at the blooming trees and green grass. After a long winter, it's such a refreshment to hear children laughing and birds squawking. I've realized something that I guess I've already known...but it's come to my attention again as I observe the utter beauties of nature.
God loves us.
He loves us so much that he has put us here, in this wonderful place. He loves us enough to surround us with such beauty.
It's been evident in my life lately that God has not left me alone. He's been there and he's been answering my prayers. I know that he gives us our desires if we seek him and live righteously. Yet, I also know that sometimes he blesses us by not giving us what we want or what we think we need.
It's hard in high school, being alone like I am. I don't have any real friends and I sometimes feel so on my own. Yet, now I know I can rely on the Lord.
Another goal on my checklist: Make the Lord preeminent in my life.
And so far, I've been doing just that. I feel happier than I've ever felt and I know with a surety that everything will work out how it needs to work out.
I just need to learn to accept that sometimes my way isn't the best way.
So, as summer is on it's way, I'll be here, praying for strength and smiling.
Because sometimes that's all you can do...smile and pray and wait for things to get better.
I know that they will.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Day 4: Good Things In Store.
When you get hurt in your life, your natural tendency is to block out anything that makes you feel. You desensitize yourself so that you won't get hurt again.
I've been building walls for a while...to afraid that I'll feel like I felt before. But with this checklist comes a new me. A me that isn't afraid to put her heart on the line.
First step: Do things that scare me.
One item on my checklist is to overcome a fear. So, I'm doing just that. There is a sort of club at my high school called REAL team, which has to do with staying drug and alcohol free. It involves speaking in front of people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. I applied to be in it. I'm scared. I've always been intimidated by people in general, which is stupid. But I can't help it. I know what people are capable of. They're capable of scary things.
So, overcome my fear of people. That's what I'm doing.
I also signed up to be a sort of mentor for new sophomores next year. My mom thinks I'll be good at it. I'm not so sure.
Yet, I really need to start having more confidence in myself. I've let people push me around and make me feel totally worthless when in reality, I have so much to offer the world, and so many good things in store.
I have things to look forward to...I have a whole life ahead of me. It's an exciting thing.
So, there you have it. That's where my mind has been today. But, I know it'll work out.
If there's one thing in life that I've learned, it's that it not only goes on, but things tend to work out for the best...even if they aren't what I expected. It's strange, but I feel like God will steer me wherever I need to go. I just need to learn to be okay with that.
So, I'll leave you now, full of hope and comfort. It's a beautiful Wednesday and I feel as if it's a new beginning for me. The first day of May and the first day of the new and improved Devyn.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Fun Facts!
1. Otters hold hands so that they don't drift apart.
2. Butterflies taste with their feet.
3. The voice of Mickey and Minnie got married in real life.
4. A group of pugs is called a grumble.
5. When puffins mate, they mate for life.
6. Kissing is healthier and more hygienic than shaking hands.
7. Men change their minds 2 to 3 more times than women do.
8. The three most common lies on the internet: I have read and agree to the terms of service, Status: offline, Yes I am over 18 years old.
9. There are 84 people in the United States named LOL.
10. You see your nose at all times, your brain just chooses to ignore it.
11. The first man to survive going over Niagara Falls later died by slipping on an orange peel.
12. When a person cried and the first drop of tears comes from the right eye, it's happiness. If it comes from the left, it's pain.
13. 99% of people backspace their whole password when they mess up just one letter.
14. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
15. The word "goodbye" came from "God bye" which came from "God be with you."
Day 3: The Truth about Prince Charming.
It's funny, the feelings you get after a fallout. Like you want to be angry and sad and happy and disappointed all at the same time. You feel remorse, regret, anger...and you almost want to just run back to them and beg for forgiveness.
But you don't.
Because in the end, you have to do what's best for you.
I saw him today. But he didn't look at me. He didn't talk to me...it was like we were strangers.
I understand it, I really do. I hurt him...and now he wants to hurt me. But then again, maybe that's just me hoping for something, anything.
Maybe the whole truth is that he's forgotten about me completely. That when he looks at her, he really does love her, and he's not just covering up what he feels for me.
Yet, there's always that little part of me that hopes. Gosh, I hate that little part of me. That little voice that tells me he loves me, that tells me he's thinking about me. Yet, reason always wins in the end...and my hopeful self is rarely rewarded. The naked truth is this: He doesn't care. It hurts...but there isn't a thing I can do but try to forget even though I know for a fact that I'll always remember.
I've been trying really hard lately to do things that take my mind off of him. I'll go to school and then think "Hey, I didn't think about him for two whole periods! I'm making progress!" Yet, I know, that even in those two periods, he's somewhere in my mind.
It kills me because I know that together, we could be something so wonderful and special. I think of all the guys in high school...and then I think of him and how I'd want him to be the first boy I ever love.
But love is such a big, strong word. I can't bare to say I love him...it just seems too dramatic, too utterly depressing.
But what do you do? What do you do when you've finally found your prince charming, but you're not his princess?
Well, maybe he isn't Prince Charming after all.
But you don't.
Because in the end, you have to do what's best for you.
I saw him today. But he didn't look at me. He didn't talk to me...it was like we were strangers.
I understand it, I really do. I hurt him...and now he wants to hurt me. But then again, maybe that's just me hoping for something, anything.
Maybe the whole truth is that he's forgotten about me completely. That when he looks at her, he really does love her, and he's not just covering up what he feels for me.
Yet, there's always that little part of me that hopes. Gosh, I hate that little part of me. That little voice that tells me he loves me, that tells me he's thinking about me. Yet, reason always wins in the end...and my hopeful self is rarely rewarded. The naked truth is this: He doesn't care. It hurts...but there isn't a thing I can do but try to forget even though I know for a fact that I'll always remember.
I've been trying really hard lately to do things that take my mind off of him. I'll go to school and then think "Hey, I didn't think about him for two whole periods! I'm making progress!" Yet, I know, that even in those two periods, he's somewhere in my mind.
It kills me because I know that together, we could be something so wonderful and special. I think of all the guys in high school...and then I think of him and how I'd want him to be the first boy I ever love.
But love is such a big, strong word. I can't bare to say I love him...it just seems too dramatic, too utterly depressing.
But what do you do? What do you do when you've finally found your prince charming, but you're not his princess?
Well, maybe he isn't Prince Charming after all.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Day 2: My Epiphany About Love.
Love is all around me. Whether I'm at school, home, or the grocery store. I see it in people's eyes and I want it.
I want the kind of love that makes me feel excited. The kind that makes me feel like I'm enough. I think, being a sixteen year old girl, that's what I want most right now.
It's not just me.
I walk around high school and I see people going through extreme measures to be noticed, to be laughed at, to be acknowledged I discovered, through my daily people watching, something that I think I already knew. Yet, it hit me with a strong force.
Everyone wants to love and be loved. It doesn't matter who. It doesn't matter if your short or fat or old or young...everyone in some way craves love. They crave that feeling of being utterly accepted and adored by that one person. They crave having a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.
It turns out that I'm not much different from everyone else. I'm in love with the idea of love. Yet, this scares me. It's alarming of how much I would give up for love...too much I think.
Love doesn't always last. That's the problem. I'm the type of person who gives my heart out too easily. I've gotten hurt in the past because I trusted too much to be loved...when it was too much to ask.
Sometimes to ask someone to love you is just too much.
Yet, in my fiery teenage mind, I think "Why? Why is that too much? I just want to be loved! Is that really so much to ask?"
So many people can't see who I really am. So many people would love what they saw if they only took the time.
Love is a funny thing. It makes people do crazy things. It makes people hurt so much they can hardly stand it. So, why then do we, as human beings, crave it so much?
Because love can also make you incandescently happy.
Love can make you feel something that nothing else can.
Love can make you feel beautiful and special and significant in a world where it's hard to be noticed.
I've never been in love. Yet, one of my goals is to fall in love this year. Yeah, I know that love is something that you just can't plan.
So, here's my plan.
I will forget about love and I will forget about him. I've learned that we can't be looking for love. Love has to find us. It's almost like watching for the mail to come.
It never comes when you wait and watch and anticipate.
It just happens.
I want the kind of love that makes me feel excited. The kind that makes me feel like I'm enough. I think, being a sixteen year old girl, that's what I want most right now.
It's not just me.
I walk around high school and I see people going through extreme measures to be noticed, to be laughed at, to be acknowledged I discovered, through my daily people watching, something that I think I already knew. Yet, it hit me with a strong force.
Everyone wants to love and be loved. It doesn't matter who. It doesn't matter if your short or fat or old or young...everyone in some way craves love. They crave that feeling of being utterly accepted and adored by that one person. They crave having a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.
It turns out that I'm not much different from everyone else. I'm in love with the idea of love. Yet, this scares me. It's alarming of how much I would give up for love...too much I think.
Love doesn't always last. That's the problem. I'm the type of person who gives my heart out too easily. I've gotten hurt in the past because I trusted too much to be loved...when it was too much to ask.
Sometimes to ask someone to love you is just too much.
Yet, in my fiery teenage mind, I think "Why? Why is that too much? I just want to be loved! Is that really so much to ask?"
So many people can't see who I really am. So many people would love what they saw if they only took the time.
Love is a funny thing. It makes people do crazy things. It makes people hurt so much they can hardly stand it. So, why then do we, as human beings, crave it so much?
Because love can also make you incandescently happy.
Love can make you feel something that nothing else can.
Love can make you feel beautiful and special and significant in a world where it's hard to be noticed.
I've never been in love. Yet, one of my goals is to fall in love this year. Yeah, I know that love is something that you just can't plan.
So, here's my plan.
I will forget about love and I will forget about him. I've learned that we can't be looking for love. Love has to find us. It's almost like watching for the mail to come.
It never comes when you wait and watch and anticipate.
It just happens.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Day 1: A day of impossible equations.
Today was one of those days where nothing really went my way. Yet, through it all I managed to keep a smile on my face and that's all that matters.
One of my goals from the checklist is to get a 4.0 GPA. I know what your thinking. Wow, she's one of those. And yet, I don't really think I am one of those. In fact, I don't really even know what one of those means.
I know that it's unrealistic to hope for straight A's for the next two and a half semesters I have left in high school. I know perfectly well that smarts don't come naturally for me. Yet, I know that I can do it...I know that I'm really capable of anything if I try my hardest.
Today in Math, we started our statistics unit and it went over my head. Yet, as I sat there with my assignment staring me in the face, feeling frustrated that I didn't understand, I wondered if I was really trying my best or if I was just looking for the easy way.
I mean, my first reaction to that thought was "NO! Of course not!" I've been taking four online courses, I'm planning on graduating high school a year early...there is no way that I'm looking for the easy way.
But I doubt myself...I do. Just like every other human being on the planet at one point in their life or another. I started to question everything...my motives, my attitudes, my beliefs, my, well, my everything.
It's weird...those moments when everything freezes and you analyze your life and where it seems to be going. I've come to find that usually when that happens, you don't like what you see.
I wanted to change and so now I'm doing this. I'm doing the checklist to improve and to discover who it is that I am. That way, when the moment comes again, where everything seems out of place and I doubt who I'm becoming, I'll have something more to hold onto than I have now.
So, back to the 4.0. It became clearly evident that this term wouldn't be the term to get the straight A's. Trigonometry ruined that...but I'm not giving up.
One thing I'll absolutely never do is give up.
I read a book called "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher just the other day. It was about a girl who gave up. She killed herself. She left behind 13 tapes for the people who were the "reason" for her death. In those tapes, she revealed all of the instances that led her to give up.
I think about my life now. And I know more than I know anything else that no matter how hard my life gets, I won't give up. I know at times I don't feel like I'm strong enough to handle what's coming my way. But so far, it's been okay. I've found strength through God and through angels that show their faces to me at tumultuous times in my life.
Thank you to those angels. You've given me the courage and strength to never give up.
Thank you Heavenly Father...for sending them to me.
One of my goals from the checklist is to get a 4.0 GPA. I know what your thinking. Wow, she's one of those. And yet, I don't really think I am one of those. In fact, I don't really even know what one of those means.
I know that it's unrealistic to hope for straight A's for the next two and a half semesters I have left in high school. I know perfectly well that smarts don't come naturally for me. Yet, I know that I can do it...I know that I'm really capable of anything if I try my hardest.
Today in Math, we started our statistics unit and it went over my head. Yet, as I sat there with my assignment staring me in the face, feeling frustrated that I didn't understand, I wondered if I was really trying my best or if I was just looking for the easy way.
I mean, my first reaction to that thought was "NO! Of course not!" I've been taking four online courses, I'm planning on graduating high school a year early...there is no way that I'm looking for the easy way.
But I doubt myself...I do. Just like every other human being on the planet at one point in their life or another. I started to question everything...my motives, my attitudes, my beliefs, my, well, my everything.
It's weird...those moments when everything freezes and you analyze your life and where it seems to be going. I've come to find that usually when that happens, you don't like what you see.
I wanted to change and so now I'm doing this. I'm doing the checklist to improve and to discover who it is that I am. That way, when the moment comes again, where everything seems out of place and I doubt who I'm becoming, I'll have something more to hold onto than I have now.
So, back to the 4.0. It became clearly evident that this term wouldn't be the term to get the straight A's. Trigonometry ruined that...but I'm not giving up.
One thing I'll absolutely never do is give up.
I read a book called "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher just the other day. It was about a girl who gave up. She killed herself. She left behind 13 tapes for the people who were the "reason" for her death. In those tapes, she revealed all of the instances that led her to give up.
I think about my life now. And I know more than I know anything else that no matter how hard my life gets, I won't give up. I know at times I don't feel like I'm strong enough to handle what's coming my way. But so far, it's been okay. I've found strength through God and through angels that show their faces to me at tumultuous times in my life.
Thank you to those angels. You've given me the courage and strength to never give up.
Thank you Heavenly Father...for sending them to me.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Happy thought #1
Hey! So, I've decided to do a happy thought every time I'm blogging.
So, here goes.
Marilyn Monroe...we all love her and adore her and think she's gorgeous. Well, hey, guess what? She wore a size 14. Yeah, and nowadays I'm considered fat because I'm not a double zero.
There are things we can learn from the past. One thing being that there was such beauty and eloquence in those women and now look at those considered "beautiful"? They are nothing but skin and bone and angular. They have no curves because curves are banned from society's definition of beauty. Well, hey, society, get a load of this and then tell me what you think beauty is!
Happy thought: We're all beautiful in our own way. We don't need to be stick skinny to be happy. We just need to be happy with who we are!
I always loved this picture...it reminds me that women have beauty who are content with who they are and feel confident no matter what size.
So, here goes.
Marilyn Monroe...we all love her and adore her and think she's gorgeous. Well, hey, guess what? She wore a size 14. Yeah, and nowadays I'm considered fat because I'm not a double zero.
There are things we can learn from the past. One thing being that there was such beauty and eloquence in those women and now look at those considered "beautiful"? They are nothing but skin and bone and angular. They have no curves because curves are banned from society's definition of beauty. Well, hey, society, get a load of this and then tell me what you think beauty is!
Happy thought: We're all beautiful in our own way. We don't need to be stick skinny to be happy. We just need to be happy with who we are!
I always loved this picture...it reminds me that women have beauty who are content with who they are and feel confident no matter what size.
The Beginning
The one year checklist.
You're probably wondering what the heck that even is.
Yeah, well I'm still trying to work it out too.
The basic gist of my little "project" is simple...I want to find out who I am. I want to love that person and be perfectly content with the real me.
There are a series of goals that I've made for myself with the idea to accomplish them in one year. Meanwhile, I'll be blogging about my experiences and what this is really doing for me.
I guess I should tell you my goals now.
The list is lengthy but I figure that I shouldn't really leave out the most important factor for this blog.
Oh, what the heck. We all love a little bit of suspense! I will reveal my goals to you as we go along...and we can both see if I can accomplish them!
Wish me luck!
Love, Dev.
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