I've been trying to come up with a logical explanation for what I'm feeling. I just want to put it eloquently into words. Then maybe, everything will just fall into place and suddenly I'll be okay.
Yet, I just can't. The truth is that I don't really know what is going on inside of me. Furthermore, I am completely clueless on how to explain it.
At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. At the end of the day I just want to be loved. I just want someone to see me the way that God sees me. And I try telling myself that I am happy, being alone. But it kind of makes you laugh doesn't it? When you lie to yourself, and you can feel it, but still you force yourself to believe it. Well, I'm sorry but being alone doesn't make me happy. And also, I shouldn't apologize for being alone. Being alone isn't my fault...or maybe it is. Maybe this isolation I'm feeling I've actually brought upon myself.
Oh gosh. Now I'm just rambling.
The checklist is still going on. I haven't been succeeding at any of it and I feel sort of hopeless. Yet, I am done with feeling sorry for myself. Even if I accomplish nothing on the checklist, I still want to be able to tell myself and all of you that I tried my hardest.
It's crazy to think that in a year from now, the one year checklist will be over with, and I'll look back on these posts and wonder why the heck I kept moping. I really look forward to that day.
Compliments are funny things. I don't know if I should like them or frankly despise them. I mean, when it all comes down to it, I think people compliment to start a conversation. Or they use it as a way to get over their own fear of the intimidating person they think you are. Truthfully, I guess it's a nice idea: compliments. Yet, when did compliments start becoming this casual joke? "I like your shoes" day after day after day. Yet, I don't want to just be the girl with the cute shoes. I want to be noticed and congratulated for more than just my exterior. This world has turned into a place where outward beauty is absolutely vital to succeed and even to survive. But I hate it. I wish I could just wake up it the morning and walk out the door to school. But I can't. I just can't. Someday, though, I'll have the courage to do just that. To me, in a way, not participating in compliments and curling irons is a way to say "screw you" to the ugly society that we're living in.
Marilyn Monroe one said something to the effect of "You're not ugly. It's society whose ugly."
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
That's Me: The Friendless Friend.
I guess there are always good days and bad days. In the past, my mind set has been simple: Smile and remember it will get better.
Yet, I've been smiling. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. But it isn't getting better.
I feel more alone than ever. I can't hide it anymore. Everybody knows. I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't care what everyone else thinks of me. That's their business, not mine. But I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a friend who I'd never have to wonder about. I'd never have to question their motives or hide who I am. Because now, right now, I'm standing all by myself in a crowded room, not full of strangers...I'm the only stranger. People who I once called my friends tell me now that I've changed. I never thought change was such a bad thing. I guess, the truth of the matter is that when they tell me that I've changed, it just means that I've stopped living my life their way. I'm done being a follower. I'm done being tied down by the "rules" of society. Someday, I'm convinced that I will find someone who is satisfied with me and only me.
My mom told me today that sometimes we go through hard times to learn compassion. Someday, I'll see someone who reminds me of who I was in high school. There will be tears in their eyes as they sit by themselves and contemplate what is the matter with them. I just wish they knew...I wish that I knew...there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. It's the world that's twisted and morphed people's opinions into flawed ideals.
I'm going to help people realize just that...there is nothing wrong with them.
I refuse to be apart of that...for I know for myself what it's like to be looked at like I'm the black sheep. I know how hard it is to not take that to heart. Because it was personal. In high school, it's always personal.
Make a true friend.
That's another item on my checklist. Yet, day after day, I feel as if this goal will be a hard one to accomplish. I'm starting to see the unfriendliness that I once mistook for ignorance. I thought that people just didn't know me. But now I know that they just don't like the person that they think I am.
But the truth? They don't know who I am.
Yet, I've been smiling. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. But it isn't getting better.
I feel more alone than ever. I can't hide it anymore. Everybody knows. I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't care what everyone else thinks of me. That's their business, not mine. But I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a friend who I'd never have to wonder about. I'd never have to question their motives or hide who I am. Because now, right now, I'm standing all by myself in a crowded room, not full of strangers...I'm the only stranger. People who I once called my friends tell me now that I've changed. I never thought change was such a bad thing. I guess, the truth of the matter is that when they tell me that I've changed, it just means that I've stopped living my life their way. I'm done being a follower. I'm done being tied down by the "rules" of society. Someday, I'm convinced that I will find someone who is satisfied with me and only me.
My mom told me today that sometimes we go through hard times to learn compassion. Someday, I'll see someone who reminds me of who I was in high school. There will be tears in their eyes as they sit by themselves and contemplate what is the matter with them. I just wish they knew...I wish that I knew...there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. It's the world that's twisted and morphed people's opinions into flawed ideals.
I'm going to help people realize just that...there is nothing wrong with them.
I refuse to be apart of that...for I know for myself what it's like to be looked at like I'm the black sheep. I know how hard it is to not take that to heart. Because it was personal. In high school, it's always personal.
Make a true friend.
That's another item on my checklist. Yet, day after day, I feel as if this goal will be a hard one to accomplish. I'm starting to see the unfriendliness that I once mistook for ignorance. I thought that people just didn't know me. But now I know that they just don't like the person that they think I am.
But the truth? They don't know who I am.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 5: Keep Smiling: Things Are Going to Get Better.
The world can be an unfriendly place, there's no denying that. Yet, with spring in the air and summer quickly approaching, I can't help but see the beauty of my surroundings.
Have you ever just stopped and closed your eyes and really felt?
Just leave your worries behind for a second and let yourself feel what is around you. So many times we focus on the bad that's going on. We've failed to realize the good.
I've been spending a lot of time outside, marveling at the blooming trees and green grass. After a long winter, it's such a refreshment to hear children laughing and birds squawking. I've realized something that I guess I've already known...but it's come to my attention again as I observe the utter beauties of nature.
God loves us.
He loves us so much that he has put us here, in this wonderful place. He loves us enough to surround us with such beauty.
It's been evident in my life lately that God has not left me alone. He's been there and he's been answering my prayers. I know that he gives us our desires if we seek him and live righteously. Yet, I also know that sometimes he blesses us by not giving us what we want or what we think we need.
It's hard in high school, being alone like I am. I don't have any real friends and I sometimes feel so on my own. Yet, now I know I can rely on the Lord.
Another goal on my checklist: Make the Lord preeminent in my life.
And so far, I've been doing just that. I feel happier than I've ever felt and I know with a surety that everything will work out how it needs to work out.
I just need to learn to accept that sometimes my way isn't the best way.
So, as summer is on it's way, I'll be here, praying for strength and smiling.
Because sometimes that's all you can do...smile and pray and wait for things to get better.
I know that they will.
Have you ever just stopped and closed your eyes and really felt?
Just leave your worries behind for a second and let yourself feel what is around you. So many times we focus on the bad that's going on. We've failed to realize the good.
I've been spending a lot of time outside, marveling at the blooming trees and green grass. After a long winter, it's such a refreshment to hear children laughing and birds squawking. I've realized something that I guess I've already known...but it's come to my attention again as I observe the utter beauties of nature.
God loves us.
He loves us so much that he has put us here, in this wonderful place. He loves us enough to surround us with such beauty.
It's been evident in my life lately that God has not left me alone. He's been there and he's been answering my prayers. I know that he gives us our desires if we seek him and live righteously. Yet, I also know that sometimes he blesses us by not giving us what we want or what we think we need.
It's hard in high school, being alone like I am. I don't have any real friends and I sometimes feel so on my own. Yet, now I know I can rely on the Lord.
Another goal on my checklist: Make the Lord preeminent in my life.
And so far, I've been doing just that. I feel happier than I've ever felt and I know with a surety that everything will work out how it needs to work out.
I just need to learn to accept that sometimes my way isn't the best way.
So, as summer is on it's way, I'll be here, praying for strength and smiling.
Because sometimes that's all you can do...smile and pray and wait for things to get better.
I know that they will.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Day 4: Good Things In Store.
When you get hurt in your life, your natural tendency is to block out anything that makes you feel. You desensitize yourself so that you won't get hurt again.
I've been building walls for a while...to afraid that I'll feel like I felt before. But with this checklist comes a new me. A me that isn't afraid to put her heart on the line.
First step: Do things that scare me.
One item on my checklist is to overcome a fear. So, I'm doing just that. There is a sort of club at my high school called REAL team, which has to do with staying drug and alcohol free. It involves speaking in front of people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. I applied to be in it. I'm scared. I've always been intimidated by people in general, which is stupid. But I can't help it. I know what people are capable of. They're capable of scary things.
So, overcome my fear of people. That's what I'm doing.
I also signed up to be a sort of mentor for new sophomores next year. My mom thinks I'll be good at it. I'm not so sure.
Yet, I really need to start having more confidence in myself. I've let people push me around and make me feel totally worthless when in reality, I have so much to offer the world, and so many good things in store.
I have things to look forward to...I have a whole life ahead of me. It's an exciting thing.
So, there you have it. That's where my mind has been today. But, I know it'll work out.
If there's one thing in life that I've learned, it's that it not only goes on, but things tend to work out for the best...even if they aren't what I expected. It's strange, but I feel like God will steer me wherever I need to go. I just need to learn to be okay with that.
So, I'll leave you now, full of hope and comfort. It's a beautiful Wednesday and I feel as if it's a new beginning for me. The first day of May and the first day of the new and improved Devyn.
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