Bittersweet ends and glorious beginnings

Here it is. My last post for the one year checklist.
It's bittersweet--that this adventure is ending. High school, and this place. This beautiful place where I found myself. In so many ways, my heart aches. It aches for the friends and family that I'm saying goodbye to. It aches for the big brick building where I learned and grew into who I am right now. It aches for my job, with it's black and white tiled floors and neon-colored walls. It even aches for that beautiful and aggravating boy who I'm leaving behind-- the hipster with the snarky comebacks.
But mostly, it aches for the feeling of home that will no longer be there when we leave.
It's a new beginning, a clean slate, but it's hard to say goodbye to a place where i'm so rooted, where I'm so attached.
tomorrow I graduate from high school. It's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm terrified. There are times, now, that i wonder why I ever wanted to graduate early. It is only bringing me closer towards being an adult and making my own decisions. It's scary. I wonder almost everyday if I'm ready.
But I feel like it's time. It's time to face the unknown with courage and strength. It's time to realize that the future holds far better things than any I've left behind.
So, farewell. Don't worry...I will be blogging still. I'll be blogging about my new life in Georgia.
And it's going to be glorious. I just know it.

I'm BACK!

Boy, has it been forever. I can't even believe how much has happened since last May. But now, It's February, and the checklist is slowly winding to a close.
I still have a copy of the checklist somewhere...but I know that I've accomplished a lot. On the checklist and off the checklist.
I got a job. And I love it. Because of my job, I've also found a boy who I'm fairly certain I'm in love with. But that's a different story. My job keeps me grounded, it keeps me sane, and in it I find my second family.
check.
I have a car. Well, I had a car for a little while. Then my sister moved back in and we "share" it. When I say "share" I really mean that I occasionally use it. Yet, still, things have worked out good enough.
check.
I'm so near graduating early, I can almost feel it here. I keep imagining myself in one of those hideous graduation gowns, throwing my cap in the air and feeling an exhilaration so unlike anything I've ever felt before. This goal, of graduating early, inspired the whole checklist. And I'm so close now. In three months time, it will be done. And then, I think then, I'll be truly happy.
check.
I've eaten good food in the past several months. Very good food. The highlights? Teriyaki salmon, endless shrimp from Red lobster, and Menchies with my best friend. My waist may have expanded but at least I've had some of the most delicious flavors pass through my mouth and onto my tongue!
check!
I guess that I've been happy. Going through this journey, I've felt everything from utter disappointment, to complete happiness, to low and dangerous depression. I've shed tears of joy and tears of sadness and I've found so many reasons to be me, to be Devyn, in a world that is trying it's best to make me disappear. I just, I guess I've found the whole situation exasperating and exhuasting. I just don't have the energy to be anymore than myself.
In the end, the checklist still goes on, and I feel as if I've accomplished more than I ever thought I would. I've conquered demons inside of me and broken myself free and I feel fantastic. So, to all those who can't see me, Devyn, for who I am...I say this...
It's a pity, it really is. I could have lit up your world.

But I guess the fact that I wasn't given a chance gives me compassion for those around me to give everyone a chance. Because you never know who they are and how they can impact you!
I'll keep you posted. I'll try to get on more but who knows. Maybe the next time I post will be when I have a diploma in my hand and am finally done.

Idle Ramblings

I've been trying to come up with a logical explanation for what I'm feeling. I just want to put it eloquently into words. Then maybe, everything will just fall into place and suddenly I'll be okay.
Yet, I just can't. The truth is that I don't really know what is going on inside of me. Furthermore, I am completely clueless on how to explain it.
At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. At the end of the day I just want to be loved. I just want someone to see me the way that God sees me. And I try telling myself that I am happy, being alone. But it kind of makes you laugh doesn't it? When you lie to yourself, and you can feel it, but still you force yourself to believe it. Well, I'm sorry but being alone doesn't make me happy. And also, I shouldn't apologize for being alone. Being alone isn't my fault...or maybe it is. Maybe this isolation I'm feeling I've actually brought upon myself. 
Oh gosh. Now I'm just rambling.

The checklist is still going on. I haven't been succeeding at any of it and I feel sort of hopeless. Yet, I am done with feeling sorry for myself. Even if I accomplish nothing on the checklist, I still want to be able to tell myself and all of you that I tried my hardest. 
It's crazy to think that in a year from now, the one year checklist will be over with, and I'll look back on these posts and wonder why the heck I kept moping. I really look forward to that day.

Compliments are funny things. I don't know if I should like them or frankly despise them. I mean, when it all comes down to it, I think people compliment to start a conversation. Or they use it as a way to get over their own fear of the intimidating person they think you are. Truthfully, I guess it's a nice idea: compliments. Yet, when did compliments start becoming this casual joke? "I like your shoes" day after day after day. Yet, I don't want to just be the girl with the cute shoes. I want to be noticed and congratulated for more than just my exterior. This world has turned into a place where outward beauty is absolutely vital to succeed and even to survive. But I hate it. I wish I could just wake up it the morning and walk out the door to school. But I can't. I just can't. Someday, though, I'll have the courage to do just that. To me, in a way, not participating in compliments and curling irons is a way to say "screw you" to the ugly society that we're living in. 
Marilyn Monroe one said something to the effect of "You're not ugly. It's society whose ugly."  

That's Me: The Friendless Friend.

I guess there are always good days and bad days. In the past, my mind set has been simple: Smile and remember it will get better.
Yet, I've been smiling. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. But it isn't getting better.
I feel more alone than ever. I can't hide it anymore. Everybody knows. I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't care what everyone else thinks of me. That's their business, not mine. But I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a friend who I'd never have to wonder about. I'd never have to question their motives or hide who I am. Because now, right now, I'm standing all by myself in a crowded room, not full of strangers...I'm the only stranger. People who I once called my friends tell me now that I've changed. I never thought change was such a bad thing. I guess, the truth of the matter is that when they tell me that I've changed, it just means that I've stopped living my life their way. I'm done being a follower. I'm done being tied down by the "rules" of society. Someday, I'm convinced that I will find someone who is satisfied with me and only me. 
My mom told me today that sometimes we go through hard times to learn compassion. Someday, I'll see someone who reminds me of who I was in high school. There will be tears in their eyes as they sit by themselves and contemplate what is the matter with them. I just wish they knew...I wish that I knew...there's absolutely nothing wrong with us. It's the world that's twisted and morphed people's opinions into flawed ideals.
I'm going to help people realize just that...there is nothing wrong with them.
I refuse to be apart of that...for I know for myself what it's like to be looked at like I'm the black sheep. I know how hard it is to not take that to heart. Because it was personal. In high school, it's always personal. 
Make a true friend.
That's another item on my checklist. Yet, day after day, I feel as if this goal will be a hard one to accomplish. I'm starting to see the unfriendliness that I once mistook for ignorance. I thought that people just didn't know me. But now I know that they just don't like the person that they think I am.
But the truth? They don't know who I am.

Happy thought #3

The world is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L.

Day 5: Keep Smiling: Things Are Going to Get Better.

The world can be an unfriendly place, there's no denying that. Yet, with spring in the air and summer quickly approaching, I can't help but see the beauty of my surroundings.
Have you ever just stopped and closed your eyes and really felt? 
Just leave your worries behind for a second and let yourself feel what is around you. So many times we focus on the bad that's going on. We've failed to realize the good.
I've been spending a lot of time outside, marveling at the blooming trees and green grass. After a long winter, it's such a refreshment to hear children laughing and birds squawking. I've realized something that I guess I've already known...but it's come to my attention again as I observe the utter beauties of nature.
God loves us.
He loves us so much that he has put us here, in this wonderful place. He loves us enough to surround us with such beauty.
It's been evident in my life lately that God has not left me alone. He's been there and he's been answering my prayers. I know that he gives us our desires if we seek him and live righteously. Yet, I also know that sometimes he blesses us by not giving us what we want or what we think we need.
It's hard in high school, being alone like I am. I don't have any real friends and I sometimes feel so on my own. Yet, now I know I can rely on the Lord.
Another goal on my checklist: Make the Lord preeminent in my life.
And so far, I've been doing just that. I feel happier than I've ever felt and I know with a surety that everything will work out how it needs to work out.
I just need to learn to accept that sometimes my way isn't the best way.
So, as summer is on it's way, I'll be here, praying for strength and smiling.
Because sometimes that's all you can do...smile and pray and wait for things to get better.
I know that they will.

If This Doesn't Make You Smile, Nothing Will!

The cutest laughing baby: click on the link to see it!

http://youtu.be/RP4abiHdQpc